"That girl might come off like she’s all strong and over you, but she’s fragile."

- Samantha Jones (Sex and the City)

majority of the time, i feel alone

yeah, i have my family and friends, but most of them are caught up in their own lives, and i don’t want to take them away from that. there are days, like this one, where i just need someone to come up to my door, and give me a hug and just hold me. there’s no need to talk, because obviously i’m sad, just a hug and a shoulder i can cry on. i come home to an empty house, everyday after school, for a good 6 or more hours. it’s so quiet, seriously, all i hear is the wind crashing against the windows. it’s sad, because i’m so use to it now, that i don’t even say much anymore. the most i say is “hi” to my dad when he comes home, to my dog, and on occasions i’ll call my friends if i catch them at the right time just to talk. i guess to get to the main point of this post, i miss him. 

even after everything that’s happened between us, i miss him. he technically was the person i came home to everyday for a good while. he’d always ask me how my day was, what i was going to do next, tell me stories, and just stayed on skype past his normal sleeping time to make sure i wasn’t alone. i think if anything, when i was with him, i felt wanted. it’s not easy for a girl like me to attract a guy and show him that being in a relationship with me could be the best thing ever. i’m not good at flirting, i’d rather wear yoga pants and t-shirt, rather than getting dolled up, which literally takes a while. i like to stay home, cuddle up in a blanket, and watch movies on my free time, or exercise. but for once, i felt wanted and accepted by someone- meaning you. i’ve always wanted to be in a relationship that would last really long, and hopefully a relationship that would lead to a happy marriage and amazing life with that someone. if there is a chance that i run into a guy who seems interested in me, it’s for the wrong reasons. i don’t to be someone’s booty-call or a one-night-stand. i don’t want one of those silly and short teenage relationships. i want a committed relationship. i want someone who would look me in the eyes and actually have and continue a conversation with me rather than judging me on how great i would look with my clothes off. it’s bullshit-the process of how most guys view girls these days. i know that love isn’t like the movies, but i’d like to think that i could come close to it.  i want a guy to has interests like mine, but always challenges me in a good way to be adventurous, as i would try to do for him. i want a relationship where we could just lay down in bed and talk for hours and hours, and then eventually falling asleep in each other’s arms. i want a guy to look at me with no doubts about how he feels about me- i want him to love me as much as i would love him.

i fall easily, i’m a hopeless romantic, and its something that is good, but bad at the same time. the good part about it is that it gives me a sense of optimism- to look at the chance of falling in love and realize that it’s possible. but the bad thing about is that, maybe i love too easily-does that make sense? maybe falling for someone so strongly when their not at the same level as you scares them away, which causes for you to feel alone all over again. with you, maybe i loved too much. did i love you at the wrong time? i really did fall in love with you, i really was in love with you- did that scare you? maybe my idea of love was totally wrong…

i had a vision of how things were going to be when today came around. first, i would get up bright and early to get ready for school,as usual, but also, realize that today would have been really special because you were finally coming home. i would have put on my best outfit and gotten all dolled up just for you. after all of that good morning stuff, i would head over to school for my chemistry class for three hours, just thinking, “oh my goodness, he’s going to be here in a couple of hours!”, and just waiting and waiting and listening to lectures that would have seemed insignificant to me because i was so excited. after a long 3 hour lecture, around 11:30am i’d head off to LAX where you would be arriving. once i arrived, for maybe about a good 30 minutes or so, i would have parked my car and waited for you to text me saying that your plane landed. and when you did, i’d rush over to baggage claim, where i’d see big groups of people who have also just arrived, and i’d just walk around, like a lost child,trying to find you within this large mass of people. and then, i’d spot you and quickly call your name. you’d hear it, and then finally our eyes would meet. i’d run over to you, give you the biggest and tightest hug, and just realized to myself that this is one of the happiest days of my life. you would just continue you hold me in your arms, kiss me, and most likely help me wipe my tears of joy away, all while waiting for your luggage to arrive. and lastly, we’d finally walk closely back to the car, holding hands, and just basically embracing each other, and we’d finally head on home, knowing that this summer would be the greatest because we’d finally have all the time in the world to be with each other.

but sadly, things didn’t turn out the way i’d hope it would be.